The pullback plot twist
On healthy polarity. Maybe.
I want to talk about a common, confusing situation that I’m seeing all over the place.
I was on the phone with a friend the other night, and she described her version of it.
She’d been in a relationship that ended. One where her partner was inconsistent, temperamental, cycling back into patterns that she knew wouldn’t work for her. She made the decision to move on. And only then did her ex start to, as we say, show the fuck up. Doubled down. With intention. With energy that finally felt real.
Another friend: matcha and walk.
She has a great partner. But their relationship isn’t without its attachment dynamic. (Is any?) She’s typically the more leaned-in one. The anxious one. After years of playing that role, she just got tired. Now, as they approach a major life transition, she’s not feeling the same initiation energy she always carried. She’s pulled back. And guess who’s now fully showing the fuck up?
I’ve lived my own version of this.
I was in a situation that sent my nervous system straight to code red. The familiar head rush, the stomach drop. The re-reading of messages, trying to squeeze more clarity from the same words. The questioning of silence. The mental replay of moments together, reminding myself of reality. “If people do this, it means they like you.” Grounding, distracting, regulating. Anxiety Management 101. Most of us have been there.
Then came an incident that woke me up. A set of actions that didn’t map to the schema of someone who likes you.
Suddenly, I was back at a familiar crossroads. Two options:
Lean in more. Poke around. Check in. Ask why. Initiate. Find a way to make it “okay” again.
Back off and mean it. Love yourself harder than the person or the potential “us”. Release it.
In my last big relationship, I was a warrior for the “us.” There was no limit to my leaning in. Even when I gave space, energetically I was still holding on. Waiting for the drop-back-in moment. A position I’ll never be in again.
So when I felt that same flavor of feeling earlier this year, the choice was clear.
Let it go. Re-orient to a new reality.
And I did. Fully.
And… would you believe it? He showed the fuck up.
And how did I feel?
Mixed. Surprised. Cautious. Certainly not swept away.
In the past, I would’ve felt amazing. But that kind of amazing was a false sense of safety. A relief-flavored band-aid. I wasn’t looking at the overall pattern, only the moment.
If this resonates, it’s okay, and very normal, to feel uncertain when this happens.
A few possibilities:
You’re with someone who can’t lean in unless they feel the loss of you leaning out- and you’re about to live this pattern on repeat.
You’ve reset the dynamic. You’ve given space for the other person to find real safety again.
And how do you know which it is?
You need two things:
Time.
Courage. Don’t tiptoe or contort yourself to keep them leaned in. Share your needs. Stay honest. Let life happen.
Then see: do they run…or do they stay and keep showing the fuck up?